....FRUSTRATING!!!!!!
It started this morning as I was listening to the radio online, wondering when I was going to get THAT knock on the door and be told to leave.
BACKSTORY SIDETRACK: Glenn Beck's "The Blaze" has migrated from an online only entity, to being a service on DISH Network as well. Now there is a push to get a channel spot on the major cable systems, i.e. FiOS, U-Verse, Charter, Cablevision, etc. He went on about this new campaign a few times during his show this morning. Frankly, I think he should lead off with Cable One, but what do I know....
Anyhow.....
It was bringing back so many of the things I had started and accomplished before I started to go off the rails. If I were to highlight just a few of these things and the people I had dealings with, you'd think me delusional. One REAL heavyweight that I had extensive dealings with, I wouldn't tell anyone about, until someone involved in that effort found me on the net and asked how I was doing.
I have a way of proving that one!!!
The memories and aspirations I had continued to plague and frustrate me all day... accelerating as the hours passed by. I was able to find myself behind many closed doors...having the ear of powerful players in media and entertainment. I had "in law" connections to one of the richest men on earth and his BRAND NEW, at that time, entertainment mecca.
When I was running live news van in N.Y.C., I used my stature deficit to weasel my way around police barricades and get footage no one else had. One of the VERY best work days of my life was 36 hours long...hand to God...and it was one news story after another. I grabbed that time in my life with both hands and squeezed every bit of excitement and education out of it that I could.
Here's where these recollections sucked.....
I found myself getting energized....wanting to get back into things. Send my resume everywhere, start reaching out to different concerns to pitch some long standing concepts I had....series ideas.....build from the ground up enterprises. I had done this before....
And then I take stock of my current situation and condition.
I was blessed to be sent a Nebulizer for one of the therapies I must perform a few times a day. The fact that I even have to do that is a bit of a downer. That I had to look for a donated one, even more so. DON'T get me wrong, I am VERY grateful for getting one.
I'm looking at being back in the van again, but in far less comfortable surroundings than back at Camp Scooter: SouthEast, Afscootistan.
SIDETRACK: The only reason I am still in the room this evening is that the main manager was not in today, and I slipped through the cracks. Which is fortunate because we are having some hellish rain and such currently. However what I owe is now just south of $200.00. And even when I am out of the room, I'm stuck here for what follows.....
I have a vehicle that can't go anywhere until it's fixed. I am going to have to do the repair myself, if I am to be mobile any time soon. If it's not something I can do, I am screwed. My initial appointment with the Pulmonary Specialist for tomorrow is now pushed back to March 1st, and Round 2 of the prelims to be a full pledged Lab Rat are likely to be lost for the same reason.
Wild swings in mood. Not organic in nature...but from divergent courses of reality hitting me in the head.
I had one person write me and say it would be a good idea to drive the van deep in the woods and never be heard from again. Basically, go die. Maybe I should...who knows. They also said I am a rat, and not just in the lab.
Why am I telling you all this? Maybe I want you to understand I am not proud of doing what I do now. In some ways I have surprised myself in how resourceful I could be, even under these conditions. However, this blog has deteriorated into a Beg-A-Thon and that's simply pathetic.
I am smarter than this. I am more dynamic than this. But I just can't seem to get out of my own way. And things are about to get a whole lot harder! As one commenter on here said, misspellings and all...
"Put a fork in you, your done" (quoted as originally written. The "your/you're-there/their" police need not bother me)
Thus tonight I pack up, and early in the morning stuff the van once again. I am hoping fresh episodes of "Raising Hope" and "New Girl" lift my mood a bit. My spirits will take substantially more work.
I have zero idea or notion as to what will happen next. I know I have to do two things first:
Fix the van.
Raise cash to pay the motel bill. (I'll offer them something for collateral until I attain the amount called for.)
Only tomorrow knows....
Until next time....
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