Monday, December 31, 2012

Bleh Redux

I'm losing my room unless I come up with payment. Happy New Year! Sometimes it's like peeing in the wind, I tell ya'! I have been applying, calling, emailing...application after resume... nada.

que sera


EDITED TO ADD 12/31/12: P.S. Dear Succasunna/Roxbury via 52 Engines...
Really? You have nothing better to do? Come out from under your rock and identify yourself I may publish you.

EDITED TO ADD 01/01/12: What Congress is doing and has done will make my ability to get a regular life back infinitely harder, if not near impossible! The new year brings in new fees, taxes, regulations that will impact EVERYONE!!!! (This fiscal cliff nonsense is the tip of the iceberg.) Milk, gas, shoes, food...EVERYTHING!!!!

Hiring will freeze....layoffs grow....many having hours at work cut. This is a disaster.

Happy New Year!

Friday, December 28, 2012

I really Don't Like Doing This....

I would prefer to be working. There is something to having a schedule....a purpose....a responsibility. That's all just out of reach for me currently.

Here is what I would wish for. A week where I am staying and my car insurance covered. To be able to get the last of my meds and stay away from the E.R. for a while.

I miss being able to just write about stuff. My latest experiences and accomplishments. To show some forward movement or just rant about things.

In the past I have been given HUGE gifts and blessings. It propped me up and I was working....making my own way, then BOOM....significant setback.

I get accused via email of running a scam here. Or that I don't want to work and just leech off of kind hearted souls. When I was working, as well as performing my task at Restoring Love, I felt energized and vital. I had responsibilities and purpose. Anyone who saw me at work during Restoring Love knows I hustled non-stop. When I wasn't shooting pictures, I would find something else to step in and help with.

I am NOT lazy!!! I am not looking to living off of others. I have sent applications and submitted resumes for gigs ranging from video production to driving gigs to a shoe shine position at DFW Airport. Work is work.

Anyhow...this is what I wish for. We'll see how things pan out heading into the new year.

Until next time.....

Monday, December 17, 2012


UPDATE 12/27/12: Dodged a bullet this morning. Some expected cash got stalled with that whole D.H.S. A.C.H. thing and the motel was going to padlock the room. I had showed them the printout of expected funds, and the memo didn't get to the early day crew. They also dropped the price for me by $1.50. Hey, anything helps. Anyhow....tomorrow I am praying the funds clear and I can cover stuff.

I can't wait until I get something going, work wise. This day to day scraping by, pathetically pleading for help is killing me. It's no way to live.

UPDATE 12/25/12: Merry Christmas everyone! Unless some appears I am down to one last night here, and then out tomorrow. Weather has been miserable...constant rain and low temps. Tomorrow, just cold. I had to skip a medical appointment yesterday due to van issues. Nothing much else to add.  Bleh... 

   ADDENDUM 3:44 P.M. C.S.T.: WRONG! I am $3.00 short......bleh
   ADDENDUM 11:18 P.M. C.S.T. I Want To Thank Francis T. For Her Help! Gets 
   Me Part Of The Way There In A HUGE Way!!!!! God Bless And Thank You! 

UPDATE: 12/23/12: I have been able to get JUST the right amount, day to day, to keep the room. A guy here gave me $40.00 because I created and posted a Craig's List ad that sold his that helped as well! Hoping to raise enough for the weekly rate which saves about $70.00 per week.

UPDATE 12/20/12: I was able to scrape $37.00 together for a night and hoping I can do something today. The temps are hitting in the 20's tonight. If anyone is inclined, I am at The Mid Cities Inn  Euless, Texas. (817) 283-4601  //  If you do call here and help, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! ( It's $37.00 per night, $180.00 for a full week, which would carry me past Christmas and my first C.O.P.D. guy appointment.

From Twitter 12/19/12:

Hold on to your hats Wednesday night. A cold front will blast through with wind gusts between 40 and 50 mph. 

I really hope to hold on to the room I have. The van has no heat at all.

Blatant plea for support. As of 11 A.M. tomorrow, Dec. 18th I have to leave the room I am currently in. My auto insurance is kaput as well. If it was one or the other, that would be workable. But since I would be back living in the van, the two are a double whammy. I would hope to try to stay in the room at least through Christmas, New Years even better. If not, then I'd wish to get my van's insurance reinstated so I can at least get around and find places to park overnight.

Once I get the van squared away, I'd appreciate ANY day work opportunities I could do in the Ft. Worth/Euless/Bedford/Hurst area. See any work available...please let me know.

If you are able to help, please reach out. 



I finally get work after 4's starting to pay off.....and I contract Pneumonia from my boss.

Downhill from there....

I don't know what to think, do, or believe. Those of you who have read my stuff here over these years know I try to keep an upbeat, hopeful perspective. Yes..I've had setbacks and slumps, but kept my eye on the future.

Now I am not so sure....or optimistic.

Tomorrow I lose the motel room. Back in the van. Problem is, the insurance has lapsed on the van and can't really drive it anywhere. In the meantime, there are meds I need, blood work to be done, and pulmonary testing accomplished. All out of reach for me.

Don't get me wrong, I have overall been pretty fortunate and blessed during this time in my life. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Right now, though, I am not feeling so..... Christmas-ish....nor confident towards what's down the road.

Ok...I'm just whiney now.

Thank heavens Texas is staying warm for the next few days.

Until next time.....


In so much as the insurance is kaput and I cant drive, I went for a kind of extended walk this afternoon to a local corner store. I took my time...did my best to breathe evenly, and didn't get too short of breath. Once at the store, I hung for a few minutes because I had started to feel tightness around my chest and back as well as feeling a bit lightheaded.

It's a start.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I'm Finding A Lot Of Comfort In This....

..and I am not sure why.

The  clip has a nice synopsis about Eva Cassidy. A life...a voice...taken way too soon. I was introduced to Eva's music years ago on a visit to Berkeley Springs, West Virginia. Her music playing on outdoor speakers at a number of different shops up and down main street. If you decide to dig deeper, what you'll find is the anti-star. A girl who took a song and made it her own..but didn't seek fame nor crowds...just the appreciative ear.

Quite simple and perfect.

There was a show on the BBC called "Duet Impossible" where a current musical star could perform, virtually, with a musical legend of the past. Very neat concept....well executed. That's where I found this clip.

It haunts floors face gets all wet watching and listening to the voice that


And when getting the embed code for this.....I also found.....

Merry Christmas, all.

Until next time...

Sunday, December 9, 2012


Been through with my meds going on 2 days. All seemed well until last night, when the lack of Prednisone impacted my breathing...again. I tried holding out to see if other methods would work, but it started getting as bad as it was on Friday.

I had a spare script for the steroid that I was able to fill with the help of someone, thus had a bottle in hand. Took 2, as prescribed, and in half an hour felt relief. Was finally able to get to sleep.

And so it goes....

Thursday, December 6, 2012

If You Are Looking At Me RIGHT Now....

..on your mobile device, stop by and say "Hello". What's written on the van is true and I welcome any support.

Updates and new entries follow below this one.

UPDATED TO ADD 12/12/12: I am covered until this coming Tuesday morning, 12/17/12. I'd like to have it at least through Christmas....maybe even New year. Any help welcome.

EDITED TO ADD: Last night was awful!!! I could not get to sleep because I couldn't catch my breath. Fortunately, I had Prednisone available and finally got things under control.

I don't really know, on paper, how bad this really is, but for now it's unbearable.

I lose my motel room as of 11 A.M. tomorrow morning. Temps here are expected to be in the 30's overnight. I won't do well at all in the van. Heat/A.C. in there has not worked in a year. I need to be able to stay in the room.


It's $36.00 per night, or $180.00 a week (approx. $25.00 per night) , IF PAID IN ADVANCE. If you want to help, please contact me via PayPal takes 2 days at best to get to me, and then I will have to pay a nightly rate or two.

EVERYONE is pushing me to apply for Disability, something I am not wanting to do. Even if I get approved, it won't be overnight.

I hate being this vulnerable and whiny. Truth be told, I am frightened at the prospect of sleeping out there. The air will be devastating at this point to my lungs. Any help is appreciated more than you can know.

Thanks for considering.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I Didn't Move To Texas To Be Made Flat On My Back....

If you haven't already, read the preceding blog posting before this one. You can find it HERE.

Above pictured is noted actor and political activist, Martin Sheen. Why, you may ask....

Sit back, this may take a while.

A turning point in my life was attending a screening during the initial, and somewhat controversial, first run of the flick "Apocalypse, Now" starring above pictured actor and directed by wine mogul Francis Ford Coppola.

I was in college headed to a law degree. My late wife had TONS of family in significant positions of the practice and I figured if I do well at the school I was in at the time, I'd have a great shot at a Law Degree somewhere prestigious. 

An elective class I was taking, Drama 101 (which my oldest son took years later with the same professor) had a class trip into N.Y.C. to see "Evita" with the original cast. It was on a day I had no classes scheduled, so I went in early to see said flick at a matinee screening.

Within 20 minutes into the movie, my life changed forever.

This truly remarkable piece-0-art flung me back to my first I immediately changed my major and ventured into creating a video production company I formed before graduation. Advantage being, I could create my very own apprenticeship and rate my own performance in said task. #WinWin!

I became obsessed with all things Coppola and read his wife's diary written during the making of the film called "Notes: The Making of Apocalypse Now". In it was detailed Martin Sheen's episode with a massive heart attack while filming in the Philippines. Obviously production got hammered, and his brother was flown in to do some stand in shooting while Martin recovered.'s how it relates to me and my harrowing experiences on Friday, November 30th 2012....

As I was lying on the floor...wet...shivering...panicking....I was trying to get to my cell phone to call 911. I had alternating thoughts of just giving up and accepting what appeared to be the inevitable outcome of this moment, or struggling to get the device and dial. That's when I remembered this....

After Sheen was struck by the cardiac event, he was lying on a gurney at the hospital when time came to remove the military boots he was wearing while in costume. Now it's been YEARS since I read this and I am working from memory.

He thought to himself at that moment if he didn't make the effort to remove the boots himself, his "will" would not carry him to survive what was happening. So he struggled to sit up and take them off himself. He described the pain as indescribable, and nearly didn't complete the task. When he had finished, he knew deep inside he would live.

Obviously he survived because he went on to spew ridiculous political nonsense, and had a good run as President on "The West Wing".

The same thing passed through my mind in those awful pieces of time I was stuck in. Get to phone, sit in a chair, get some pants on, dial the number, make the effort, go to the floor....and you survive this.

I'm writing this now, aren't I?

Once in the room, the E.M.T.'s started working on me and asking me stuff to see how lucid I could be. Once in the ambulance, I was connected to the E.K.G. and an I.V. started. Once they did an overall evaluation of my condition and it wasn't a heart attack, they gave me a dose of steroids.

Almost instant relief! However, I developed an Austrian accent and wanted to run for Governor of California.

I was able to draw decent breaths and my heart rate went down.


Once in the E.R. work began instantly. I was attended to thoroughly and work began on figuring out what was what and what to do. Part of which was poking me a number of times for blood (two different places for that, one in an artery as  well as a vein) and constant monitoring of my heart.

I became a one man, living, breathing,  Pinterest for "Blood Sampling".

I was there for a lot longer than the visit two days prior, but this time the symptoms were much more severe. After X-Rays, blood work, and constant monitoring the pfull picture emerged.

Pneumonia gone, lungs swelling, C.O.P.D. Given what had just occurred, an evaluation of how far along it was had to wait. I am supposed to see a Pulmonary specialist and get the down low. At that point steps will be taken to set up what I have to do going forward to deal with this.

And that is grim.

I will be on meds for the rest of my life. If I don't move on to the next level via something immediate and fatal, I face a most gruesome death. Gasping for my last opposed to simply experiencing it.

SIDETRACK: In my late wife's final moments, she was experiencing what is know as "Cheynes-Stokes Respiration". DEEPLY and, oddly enough, strongly drawing in breath....holding...letting it go. And though these were her dying moments, she...ironically...had no trouble filling her lungs. I won't be as fortunate.

Quitting smoking is a non-brainer....hopefully not a non-starter. I've smoked for a VERY long time. And the last thing I want is to be eligible for the blue tags one hangs on the rear view mirror that gives you the really good parking spots at Wal-Mart during Christmas.

I didn't come to Texas to wind up flat on my back. I came to work and get a new start on life.

My oldest sent me an email in which he pointed out that the trait he most admired in me, and gave him a lot of confidence in my moving forward is that I am stubborn and get full of fire. In spite of what has happened over a number of years....a fair amount pretty catastrophic...I emerged on the other side intact. I've rebuilt my life a few times already...and want to do it again.

I write this in a motel room in Euless, Texas paid for me by a charitable organization. This way I can complete the round of meds without battling the elements. I may very well wind up back in The Conversion Van Of Wonders again for an extended period of time. I have no money, no gas, no food.

Been there, done that. And emerged on the other side.....

I'm looking for day work so that as soon as I am able, I can be making some money again. I am also developing a video project that is specific to the great state of Texas that I hope to finish a full treatment for a proposal. And of course a full time gig is more than welcome. Even with a 40 hour week....I'd have time to pursue more entrepreneurial endeavors.

I won't stay on my back....nope, not at all.

After all, I'm in Texas. Great things happen here. 

Thanks for reading and all your prayers and good wishes.

Until next time....

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Shit Got VERY Real!

This is exactly what it felt like!

3 days and 2 trips to the E.R. That's a total of 3 trips this month. This latest one made the other 2 feel like a cakewalk.

BackStory: For those of you not keeping up, I was diagnosed with Pneumonia 11/10/12. Had been having labored breathing and an inability to exert myself at all.  For what I was doing at work...door to door sales...I wasn't able to walk very much, because when I did I had to wait at a door for minutes to catch my breath.

So after that bit of news, I was given anti biotics for the Pneumonia and prescribed an inhaler and steroids for the lungs, overall. See....they also found I now own a malady called COPD.

After a few days I found some relief from the meds, but still didn't get the other two items. The Cipro was $4.00 which I could readily afford. The inhaler and 'roids....not so much.

I was blessed to get the inhaler finally, and that helped, but the other item still out of reach. I figured to myself that was the antibiotics did their thing, the inhaler would help the rest of the healing.

I figured wrong.

Seems my lungs had swollen just enough to be compressed and making breathing difficult at best. I tried things within my reach for comfort. Generic Mucenex, caffeine, and LOTS of water. Again, some success but not nearly enough.

I found myself gasping for air one fine Wednesday morning. I chalked it up to morning congestion and went about trying my best to deal with it.

It wouldn't cooperate.

I'd get winded....I mean GASPING for air winded...just walking from one side of the room to another. I finally decided this was beyond dealing with on my own, and drove to the nearest Hospital.

SIDETRACK: Not that I didn't ever receive first rate care in New Jersey, but here in Texas they are all just so much more personable and friendly. Actually, this state overall has that charm. Just sayin'

Once there, I was re-diagnosed and xrayed.  The Pneumonia was missing, but my lungs had swelled some more. I was given steroids and that helped TONS!!!! The heart is fine, blood ok....lungs not so much.

Again, given prescriptions for antibiotics and steroids...this time Prednisone which is a cheap drug to buy, unlike the first one i was prescribed. Problem...I had $5.00 in my pocket and no gas.

It was a non starter. Couldn't go get either meds.

And so it goes......

Thursday wasn't bad. The I.V. 'roids were still in effect and I woke up breathing pretty well. However, as the day wore on it became more labored. By bedtime, it was almost as bad as before. I couldn't sleep much because I would wind up on my side, compressing my lungs even more, and would wake hacking then gasping for air. My inhaler was of little help. Some...but simply not enough.

(There is irony here....stay with me.....)

Friday was the scariest day of my life! I couldn't breathe any decent amount for hours on end. The inhaler and I became as one, and it did it's best to help.

I had started to experience something that I guess could be called some manner of reflex. I would lose strength from my mid back downward, and have to pee REALLY bad. Each time I felt that, I was able to make to the can with but a little escaping in spite of my efforts. When sitting, I felt I could breathe at maybe 5% capacity. It was real work trying to quell the panic I felt. I talked out loud to myself to calm down....relax..etc. Oddly enough, during one of these episodes, I found that if I hummed a low note, it helped.

But only for so long....only so many times.....

In my head I was going back and forth on heading to the E.R., again. Debating leaving at all, as well as, whether I was capable of driving or needed to call 911.

That choice was made for me in a heart beat!

I had gotten a follow up call to my visit 2 days before and was gasping, just trying find air to use to talk. I had to get off the phone as that "reflex" was coming on again. Problem was, no air to get me to the toilet.

For the first time since I was 3 years old, I soaked myself. Next thing I know I am on the floor, going all Fiona Apple naked on it, trying to get to my cell to dial 911. I had just enough air to tell the operator where I was and what was happening to me.

I had already struggled to get my undies off and now trying to get my jeans on. Forget my sneakers....wasn't gonna happen. I unlocked the door to my motel room and managed to get into a chair. I heard the sirens and that helped calm me a bit...but not tons. The E.M.T.'s came into the room, immediately setting up oxygen and asking me stuff. I told them I didn't think I could walk to the ambulance, so they brought in the gurney and loaded me up.

I pointed out stuff in the room to bring and begged them to make sure they locked the door before we left for the hospital. Even as they did their work, I was sure I wasn't going to make it.

To be continued.......