..and I SOOOOOOOOOO want out of here.
It's odd, I guess. Here I have heat, a bed, lights, etc. But I want out. I want to wear clothes. I want my van. I want to get going on my trip. I am feeling really down... I mean really, deeply down. And that level of anxiety and depression can not be a good thing, given the reasons I am here. I need to skip town and just isolate for a while.
The internet I have at the hospital is really fast. But it doesn't allow me to go to certain kinds of sites. So, to my new friends at TikiLive, that's why I haven't been over to you. I was really enjoying myself there. And I miss my Glenn Beck in the afternoon.
I find myself having to deal with crap I shouldn't have to while I am trying to figure out and understand just how close to being dead I was. That my current addressless situation as well suffering a Myocardial Infarction in the parking lot of a self storage place is more of a problem for someone else and not me. Stifling feelings while trying to get through an evening and pushing the lump in my throat down as far as I can get it. I find these create their own unique kind of hangover the following day.
I am just not in a position to deal with these kind of hangovers. It is not healing or healthy for me right now. Probably never at all, but certainly not right now.
And giving up a 40+ year relationship with cigarettes, if only for the time being, isn't moving things along at all.
I'll post more later. For the record, I am delaying posting this immediately, letting me digest what I wrote here. I started the base of a different thread over a month ago called "It's One Of Those Days"...that I did not want to publish when in the midst of living in .." that kind of day. " I wanted to have a little distance to gain more perspective and less emotion. Well..I would have "one of those days" in an ongoing, but infrequent, basis. Thus, if this post does see the light of the cyber sunshine, it's because I got fed up and am going to need to disappear for a while.