Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Unexpected Impact....

One of the LAST things I expected as I moved forward are the emotions I am experiencing now. One would imagine that I would find myself excited, hopeful, anxious to embrace my new future.

All that seems to be happening is a renewed, reinvigorated sense of loss.

I guess it's in large part due to geography...The Jersey Shore.

For me it's like a FOX Network T.V. Special: "When Good Memories Go Bad"

It's not a case of lamenting lost youth...the memories are quite recent and adult.

I go from sullen, to morose, and back again. Who knew going to sullen would be an improvement in perspective? Who knew that all of this would linger for as long as it has.

I am staying with a their home....doing this and that around the homestead. Most notable, rehabilitating a sizable garden to ready it for planting. Frankly, that feels pretty good.

It's seeing the stuff in the home. It's hearing about treasured things, tucked into an attic, collections saved...etc.

Loss takes all forms and personalities.

I beginning to understand, as odd as this may sound, that my time at Camp Scooter SouthEast: Afscootistan (A.H.A.) was a pretty sheltered existence. a minor example would be food prices. When venturing into a local Shop Rite (my and Bon Jovi's favorite food store) I was shocked at how much more expensive stuff was than at The Home Of Falling Prices! For example, Hot Dogs, God's Perfect Food, were a full $2.00+ more expensive than I had been paying. Nearly everything was much pricier.

And I didn't have to, in all honesty, deal with much. Day to day was pretty much all the same. Sure, a few car fires and some visitors would make a break in the monotony...but that's about it. Nothing to jog memories to the forefront on a regular basis. 

I have learned a lesson once again, to not let things feel too good for any length of time. Even this posting's first start at life....

SIDETRACK: I started this posting a full 2 weeks before getting back to it. The house I am staying at has 5 dogs...4 of them of a sizable bulk...and one bumped into the cursed magneto power cable, thus unplugging the MacBook.  Blogspot has a feature that saves material every few seconds or so. When I powered up the laptop I figure all would be good, and for a New York was.

Then BOOM .....

It disappears from the screen. I attempted every maneuver I knew to bring it back, but to no avail. Gone for good.

que sera'

But I digress.....

Got together for the first time in over 3 years with the significant acquaintance. I am not far from where she lives,and went down to her area on a whim.

Wait....that's not accurate....

The Shore area is where she lives and where I am now. EVERYTHING around me was reminding me of the years with her. So I figured, what the hell...right? Sent a text telling her I was heading there and would let her now when I was at an open, public place. If she came...fine...if is what it is.

Then THIS happened!

The tire exploded...fortunately on a side road and not the Garden State Parkway... 20 MPH versus 65. Makes a significant difference in outcome.

It was Friday evening and I had no spare. Called my insurance companie's Roadside Assistance number, and the car was towed to a closed garage. Sent a text to her explaining the situation and said if you don't want to come, fair enough. She had previously texted she was fine with having coffee somewhere, but wasn't interested in a "reunion".

Long scenario short, she came and wanted me to stay at her place until the tire could be replaced...maybe even for the weekend. Frankly, I resisted that and had at one point walked to the garage where The Sovereign Conversion Van Of Wonders was parked and settled into the driver's seat..covered myself with a jacket, fleece, and jacket.

SIDETRACK: The back of the van is filled awaiting my ability to organize the stuff and have room to sleep. No access to the bed.

Ultimately, she prevailed and I stayed at her place. It was a mixed bag of emotion.

Saturday we went walking in 2 county parks where she's at, and on Sunday went to this GREAT place that was a massive open, outdoor Sculpture Garden. You can see it HERE. It was an pretty amazing place.

Things going quite nice until the spell was broken Monday night. Nothing heavy, no battle...simply the "air" in the place changed. Pretty much a sense of things.

Why am I telling you all of this?

QUOTE:"I have learned a lesson once again, to not let things feel too good for any length of time."

Monday and Tuesday I helped her with some work she had due, and it was calm enough. I learned more about what she does, and even ran some machinery I had never used before. Different days...different "atmosphere". I mean Saturday, Sunday and Monday were terrific. Monday evening, it took a turn. Please understand, I left completely to her how long I would stay after the tire was replaced. I would have gone back into the van in a heartbeat, if necessary.

We finished her project and then I gathered my things. The parting was equal parts frustrating, morose, and deeply sad, at least for yours truly

More loss! Even worse, it is renewed loss. Quite disheartening.

I haven't eaten in 3 days at this point, and am typing on very little sleep. Maybe that's why this may sen rambling.

So at this point, dear reader, you may be asking yourself what any of this has to do with my latest "Work across America" endeavor. (Which, by the way, just got my first offer of a few days employ in Mississippi with an evolving online streaming concern.)

I have lost a lot of steam. I am disheartened and really feel like throwing in the towel I currently clutch in my hand.

I may have a bit of a "down" time...but I suppose I'll get my mojo back at some point. But at this moment, I want to get in the van and drive into the woods somewhere and simply disappear.

I know, I know..."Boo Hoo! Cry me a river....."

As I stated above, living at The Home Of Falling Prices was pretty much a sheltered existence.

Currently I am just one big mess. Between the tire and having to spend money I can't afford to, the van being a source of vulnerability due to not being able to pass inspection, and the recent experience of the heart and core....the towel seems to be begging me to pitch it.

Maybe I'll be able to eat today and get myself back on track to the future. But for now, it's all so overwhelming. This was coming, whether I ever saw the significant acquaintance again or not. It's a BIG reason why I haven't been writing at all.

Thanks for sticking with me, along with the good thoughts and wishes that are generously sent my way. My hope is that at some point it will all fall into place and I won't let you down.

We'll see.....

Oh, the public parking area I chose to meet at? An amusement park that holds many "Good Memories Gone Bad"

1 comment:

  1. Well howdy!
    Hope you're doing better! Keep your chin up and persevere!!!!