There Is An Expression...

What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

I say...

What doesn't kill me, only serves to keep me in New Jersey!
What doesn't kill me, makes me wish it did!

The scales are definitely tipping in the western direction.

This dain bramage thing is surreal...which I guess could be the definition of surreal.

I see stuff that isn't there sometime. Stuff in front of me takes on personality. I stammer when I speak. The other day what I at first thought was a sparrow, turned out to be a small pine cone. It was fluttering on the ground and everything.

The velocity of the vortex that is The Downward Spiral is a taunting and cruel thing. Stops..starts...accellerates...slows down...

I did a REALLY stoopid thing the other day, Tuesday, that is SOOOOOOOOO stoopid I can't admit it. Nothing illegal, just stoopid. And thing is, I can intellectually see it was stupid but have no effect aside from the momentary feeling stoopid. My vision changes a few times a day, to boot! I had to re-teach myself how to drink from a can...non adult beverage...and aim a light to a cigarette.

There are times when I say certain words that create a certain tone, that vibrate in my forehead making me so dizzy that I have to sit down.

That plus my unappealing appearance, I am in big doo doo.

It's weird.

My father had a MASSIVE stroke when I was 10. It left him unable to speak for decades. He could read, understood everything that was said to him, knew what time and channel for his beloved sports...just couldn't speak.

I often thought he would rally moments before expiring, but if that were to happen, he was robbed of it via being intubated. He was gone by the time I got to the E.R. and I saw said cursed tube inserted down his throat.

I, admittedly, made a bit of a scene in the E.R.

I often wondered what he thought. I imagine he spoke english to himself in his head, just couldn't get his mouth to form the words and speak it. He was VERY aware of what was going on around him.

How surreal!

Now I am getting some idea. The hope is that it is stress and anxiety...MEGA stress and emotional anxiety....and/or a B12 deficiency.

Early onset Alzheimer's has been suggested. The plus to that is I forget all the stressful and heartachey kind of stuff at some point.

I found out last week that I have had full tilt boogie Medicaid since June 1st, so I set up an appointment with a dentist. If I am going to become The Official Jersey State Vegetable, I'll go out with a nice smile for all the promotion material.

I see the neuro guy on the 10th. Guess after that I'll have some answers.

Until next time....